Episode 11
Meet Cathy Mott - Emotional Intelligence Expert
How was your week? Adjusting to life with the new norm?
Do you have the new work routine set up and your teams all charging ahead? Working from home all figured out?
My answer is - NO, not even close, I wasn't nearly as productive as I wanted to be, I struggled to get out of bed, keep my energy up and focus on anything for more than 5 minutes. I was angry, scared, emotional and at times a bit crazy.
I craved interaction with other people, and I judged myself for not being productive and not having the willpower to pull through it. What happened to me?
In this episode, we explore the rollercoaster of emotions many of us went through last week through the eyes of an Emotional Intelligence expert and coach, Cathy Mott
We explore the grief cycle, the 4 quadrants of emotional intelligence, active listening, vulnerability, fear, why we need to lead ourselves first before leading others and much more.
There are valuable insights to share as we step up and lead through this crisis.
00:53 What happened to me last week
08:03 The grief cycle
10:20 Take the space you need
11:16 Judging yourself
14:34 Active listening
20:24 Vulnerability/strength and balance
22:51 Time to be tough?
23:58 Coaching questions
26:10 The 4 stages of Emotional Intelligence
29:20 Resilience
31:16 Taking action and accountability
37:27 Advice from Cathy as we face Monday
Transcript
[Transcript]
[:[00:00:32] Entrepreneur leadership coach keynote speaker, one of the top 100 leading women in the automotive industry as she interviews some of the finest leadership minds in the quest for gravitas
[:[00:01:18] What it takes to lead through a crisis. And I thought you've got this. This is going to be easy. I've led several organizations through crisis situations. I know how to keep a team positive, how important it is to have a schedule, how important it is to have a routine to get up in the morning, to work out.
[:[00:02:12] I didn't quite know what was happening. And I thought, well, It's a change. There's a lot going on in the world right now. It's okay. Give yourself a break from Monday, then Tuesday came and I did the same thing again, and I started to get mad at myself. How could I stand up on stage and talk to people about how important it is to start your day and how important it is to have a schedule?
[:[00:03:01] Couldn't do what I normally did. And then. Later in the week I had to do something that tore me apart. I had to tell my teenage daughter that she couldn't see her boyfriend and deal with that trauma. I don't want any human beings anywhere near me. I'm afraid I am. I'll be the first to admit it of the risk of the Corona virus coming into my home, all of these feelings going on in my head making me feel scared.
[:[00:04:13] And, and what about this working from home in this new routine? How do we make that happen? But before we can do any of that, we have to learn to deal with this ourselves. And it took me a lot longer. To get with the program than I had originally anticipated. And I suspect that many of you out there are going through the same situation.
[:[00:05:11] All of that is now our reality. It's not just a week of adjustment and now we're back to normal. We're not, we're all getting used to this new norm. And we are going to have to draw on the elements of emotional intelligence to lead our teams and businesses more so now than ever before. I am still a firm believer that this will be the most rewarding leadership experience that any of us has ever gone through.
[:[00:06:13] She has a talent for helping others discover their natural gifts and talents. But what I love about Kathy is that her. Area of expertise is emotional intelligence. She's a certified social and emotional intelligence coach. So when I talk about emotional intelligence, I understand some of the basics, but she's got this and she's been doing it for many, many years.
[:[00:07:05] And if you haven't, I read her book recently, she has just released a book called just listen. Great things happen in the silence. Perfect timing. Don't you think she's also published an article? In the CEO magazine in the February 20, 20 edition, authentic leadership. What makes it real? She's the perfect guest for us to have on the show right now, at this time, we need her expertise more than ever before.
[:[00:07:39] Cathy: [00:07:39] Thank you, Jan. Thank you. How
[:[00:08:03] Cathy: [00:08:03] Well, Jan, you were actually going through the grief cycle and I love that we're here together talking today because part of this emotional roller coaster that we ride, I often talk about and helping organizations move through cultural changes. And so when we think about the global changes that we have had over the past few weeks, Definitely.
[:[00:09:06] And so the grief process that people go through when we experience change is very similar to the grief process. We go through when we lose someone in death and people will readily recognize that they give us, uh, they show us kindness and compassion when we lose someone in death, because they recognize that we're grieving.
[:[00:09:58] And those emotions are shocked. [00:10:00] Denial, fear. Anxiety, anger, frustration and confusion. Who of us have not experienced all of those emotions in the past couple of weeks. And it's okay to give ourselves the time, the space and permission. To work through those emotions. They're heavy emotions
[:[00:10:42] And I was really hard on myself. Because I am that person. I mean, I get up at four 30 in the morning. I go to the gym at 5:00 AM. You know, I spend time with myself. I do a little sort of meditation thing in the morning, you know, and, and, and I, I'm so proud of this routine that I have, I've put [00:11:00] together in the structure that I have in my life.
[:[00:11:15] Cathy: [00:11:15] of that? So I will share a little bit about emotional intelligence and how we can let go of the judgment and validate what we feel.
[:[00:11:51] Once we can validate and give ourselves permission to feel that particular emotion, then we can [00:12:00] respond to it instead of react. And once we validate any emotion, the intensity of it lessons, and from there, we can make productive decisions. So if we talk about fear, being able to validate that emotion, we can say, what am I afraid of?
[:[00:12:45] And I've even recommended that journaling our daily activities around emotions for this entire time period. What a gift that will be to ourselves to go back and read. Once we're through [00:13:00] this, go back and read the emotional journey that we've come through. What a gift to ourselves. So giving ourselves permission and then validating what we feel.
[:[00:13:34] So validating that is giving yourself permission to feel it.
[:[00:13:56] To acknowledge and validate the, the emotions in the [00:14:00] rollercoaster that we're all going through. But also to do that on an individual level with one-on-one virtual calls, you know, video calls to be able to connect with people one-on-one because now the next step for the leader is to help provide some sort of comfort and safety.
[:[00:14:18] Cathy: [00:14:18] Yes, it is. And to be able to successfully authentically do that, you have to have had a space where you've provided comfort and safety for yourself.
[:[00:14:33] Cathy: [00:14:33] Yeah. And that is so important. And when you're getting to the team together, let's say on a zoom call and it's okay.
[:[00:15:04] And some people will say, well, I think this will be over in a short period of time. And so that tends to make all of the other people who had an emotion around it, who wanted to express fear that may shut them down. Oh yeah. So true. Yes. So a great leader could say, I appreciate your thoughts, but tell me, what are you experiencing?
[:[00:15:37] Jan: [00:15:37] That's that is, that is great advice. I mean, honestly, I'd have the tendency to say you're in denial, get over it. That would be the best approach to that point in time, but that's okay. You know, I mean, everybody's got, everybody's going to have a different, different response, but, but you're right.
[:[00:16:18] And there's this tendency for. Yeah, no, not all companies, of course, but for the leader to say, Hey, you know, we're going to get through this. It's all gonna be fine. We're just going to muscle down. You know, we're going to do this and we're going to work through all the customer shutdown situations have got to manage cash.
[:[00:16:53] Cathy: [00:16:53] My advice would be for them to step back and really understand that people need a space, a [00:17:00] safe space to be able to share how they're feeling about all that is going on.
[:[00:17:37] Two every morning. And I didn't do that this week. I went through a grief process and it's okay. You know, I will, um, think about six years ago, I lost my mom to lung cancer, a 15 month battle. And I journaled, so I've been journaling for 20 years. I journaled every day, what that process was like and how I [00:18:00] miss her.
[:[00:18:29] And I told her, I'm sad. I miss my mom. And her response was who says that most people say they're okay. Even when they're not, I said, well, you asked me and I wanted to openly share. So it's so important that we as leaders be able to hold the space for people to openly talk about the grief process that many of us are in today.
[:[00:19:31] When you feel uncomfortable around them sharing, just hold the space. You don't have to fix it. You just have to hold the space for them to express themselves. I
[:[00:19:58] You know, people just need to deal with that [00:20:00] stuff. That's HR stuff, that's soft stuff. Right. I just need him to run the business. Right. And this is absolutely. I keep harping on this point, right? This is not the time to be the tough guy. It is the time to connect at a deeply human level. And as you so eloquently said, give people the space to be able to express their feelings and emotions.
[:[00:20:33] Cathy: [00:20:33] Yes. I love Renee Brown, the
[:[00:20:44] And now isn't the time to show your vulnerability because you have to show strength. And I think that there's a very fine line and a balance right now that leaders. Have to have to show, they have to show their vulnerability, but they also have to show that they [00:21:00] can bring calm to the chaos that they have.
[:[00:21:15] Cathy: [00:21:15] Keeping that balance and being vulnerable and showing strength is, again, going back to authentic leadership, you know, thinking about the emotions that you, yourself, as a leader has experienced, and because you have experienced them, you can articulate them.
[:[00:21:52] I was afraid I was in denial. I was angry. And here are some of the things that I have done [00:22:00] to validate what I'm feeling and to do something productive with all of those emotions that I feel around what's happening in our world today. So the balance is showing the vulnerability, but also having something productive that you're going to do with your emotions, being able to intentionally to reflect.
[:[00:22:51] And
[:[00:23:16] And even if you, even, if you felt afraid or you didn't know something, you didn't dish show it. Now it took me. Many many years to realize that that was not the way to lead. And that when you really brought out the human side, that you connected with people in a, in a much more, it's a different way, right?
[:[00:24:00] [00:23:59] Cathy: [00:23:59] Absolutely. So I will say as an executive coach, the number one emotion that I coach executives through is fear. Around a lot of different things. Fear of, one of what you mentioned, fear of appearing to be weak. However, I go back to approaching this from a coach, like perspective, being able to sit with ourselves and ask coach like questions and the value of coach, like questions, those open-ended questions.
[:[00:25:02] What am I afraid of around being vulnerable? So the response may be, I might appear weak. How much truth is in that is this, and how well is this fear of being vulnerable? How well is it serving my ability to be an authentic leadership? And during a time where people were mainly interact through zoom or via the internet, how much will showing up vulnerable and authentic lead to my team being connected.
[:[00:26:09] So, one thing that I've done, um, in, in my book is I write about 30 different emotions and I walked through the four stages of emotional intelligence for each emotion. So the questions are, how did I experience this emotion? What, how did I manage invalidate this emotion? How did I manage the social setting?
[:[00:27:00] [00:26:59] And if you had a chance to do it all over again, How would you handle it? And so it has been very effective, but really creating that space, grabbing a journal, creating that space to work through. How are you feeling? And what's your fear about how are you feeling what's your anxiety about, and then giving yourself permission to feel those emotions and work through them and decide how are you going to deal with them productively.
[:[00:27:32] Jan: [00:27:32] You know, as you're talking, um, all great advice. This really is an opportunity for personal growth. You know, I I've always looked at it as, this is the most rewarding leadership experience you could have going through this crisis, but it's also. An opportunity for tremendous personal growth.
[:[00:28:11] Cathy: [00:28:11] Yes, indeed. If we really.
[:[00:28:40] And so whether that's a YouTube video every day or a book that you're reading, but every day, intentionally working on yourself to become a better leader. And I always say, regardless of the title we have in an organization, we are the leader of our own lives. And so [00:29:00] would you want to fall up under your leadership?
[:[00:29:19] Jan: [00:29:19] Yeah. That's well said, let's talk about resilience. If there's a time that resilience needs to come into play.
[:[00:29:31] Cathy: [00:29:31] agree. I agree wholeheartedly. So resilience is one of the competencies that falls under self-management. So the awareness piece is being able to be aware of what we are experiencing and then the self-management pieces. Okay, what do I want to do with these emotions? How do I want to respond?
[:[00:30:26] And then thinking about, you know, how does he get interaction? So being resilient. So I thought of some things I could do to maybe take him on a drive. My dad used to work for Motown, so we'll just drive downtown and listened to Motown music and not even get out of the car, but every day, thinking about how I can be resilient, how I can be a resilient leader in my life so that I can have a positive.
[:[00:31:16] Jan: [00:31:16] Yes. It comes back to taking care of yourself first.
[:[00:31:52] And I came out of it probably Friday, right. When I realized what was happening. And one of the things I did was I did some, I did something, [00:32:00] right. I did something positive and I did. I went for a run a couple of times during the week. And that of course helped. Right? Not at the time I normally run. I went later in the day.
[:[00:32:29] And I think people, the relief on their faces, right. That there was this forum where we could just talk about stuff and that really helped. Well, now I'm going to take it another step further and I've launched an accountability clinic. I have no idea what accountability clinic is. I'm making it up. We're going to figure it out on Monday and I'm launching it.
[:[00:33:08] I had a much better day and it got my mind off of, you know, watching CNN is a desk counter on CNN. I mean, really? No, I do not need to be seeing that. Right. What's going on in the world. Of course we do, but we don't need to be just. Consumed totally consumed with the death counter on CNN. Right. So doing something productive and positive and to help others as well as yourself, that really helped me.
[:[00:33:58] That's it it'll [00:34:00] be an inspirational message. And it will be, there'll be some dancing because I love to dance on stage. If a dance on stage, I can dance a virtually on zoom and we're going to share with everybody, anybody wants to talk about whether it's where they get Lysol wipes from or how weird it is that you're wiping your groceries down when they come in and you know, they come through the door from.
[:[00:34:42] And that's my commitment to myself and others. So
[:[00:35:12] You're creating that space for others and you're helping people get their day off to a great start. I absolutely love it. Well,
[:[00:35:43] Yeah to be, but then moving through them and getting to this next point, which is doing something.
[:[00:36:07] So it's okay to go back and forth. It's okay. We're human. We give ourselves permission to feel what we feel with no judgment, not even judging ourselves.
[:[00:36:37] When you do something like that, then you're taking an action and it's helping you through the process.
[:[00:36:57] Um, but also not, not being [00:37:00] afraid that it will happen again. It's like, you know, it's six years since I've seen my mom in those six years. How many times have I been okay. And then like, Oh, I really miss her and then bounce back down. I'm okay. Then I really miss her. So the same thing, and we don't know how long this is going to last, but we can make a decision today to be resilient means we bounce back.
[:[00:37:26] Jan: [00:37:26] okay. Yeah, you're right. We're all going to bounce back from this. We're all going to look back on it and yes, we need to be making podcasts and videos and journaling so that we can look back on it, share it with others and learn from it. I, I'm very excited now that I've got my head in the right place to help others through this.
[:[00:38:12] Um, what advice would you give them? Maybe waking up Monday morning with this reality of, okay, this is real and this isn't going to go away anytime soon.
[:[00:38:37] For the week. So what's your intention that you want to set for this week? How do you want to show up? What do you want to accomplish? How many people do you want to reach out to and help? So set a weekly intention in every day that you wake up, look forward to doing. Something that will fulfill that [00:39:00] intention that you've set for yourself on a weekly basis.
[:[00:39:25] And give yourself a couple of moments for that. And then the last one is, what am I feeling emotionally? So you're scanning the three domains. What am I thinking? What am I physically feeling? What am I emotionally feeling? Chances are wherever you feel your stress, or maybe some type of pain in the body, all emotions manifest themselves somewhere in the body.
[:[00:40:10] Jan: [00:40:10] That's great advice, Cathy. It has been an absolute pleasure having you on the show.
[:[00:40:30] Cathy: [00:40:30] that? It would be my absolute pleasure to come back.
[:[00:40:36] Jan: [00:40:36] Likewise. Thank you.
[:[00:40:42] If you enjoyed listening to this podcast and you found something of value that will help you on your quest for your gravitas, then please share with your friends and colleagues and subscribe. Visit us@gravitasdetroit.com to find out more. [00:41:00] .
